“The child may not remember, but the body remembers everything.” — Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
Stress isn’t just an adult experience. Children yes, even infants can carry the weight of trauma, often silently. The signs don’t always look like screaming or crying. Sometimes, they look like a toddler who won’t make eye contact. A preschooler with constant tummy aches. A withdrawn preteen. A moody teen who lashes out without warning.
Here’s the truth: Children don’t always have the words to explain what they’re feeling. But their bodies, behavior and development tell a story.
This blog dives deep into how stress and trauma show up in children from birth through adolescence so you can recognize the signs early, understand what’s happening underneath and support them with empathy and action.
Why it matters
According to the CDC, more than 60% of children experience at least one traumatic event by age 16, ranging from natural disasters and medical emergencies to neglect, abuse or simply living in a high-stress home. Unrecognized trauma in childhood can lead to long-term mental health challenges like anxiety, depression, emotional dysregulation and poor academic or social outcomes. But early recognition changes everything.
Understanding the language of stress in children
Children express distress through:
1.Behavior (tantrums, withdrawal, aggression)
2.Physical symptoms (headaches, stomachaches, sleep issues)
3.Developmental regression (losing skills like speech or potty training)
4.Emotional shifts (clinginess, fearfulness, hopelessness)
And these signs shift dramatically based on age. Let’s break it down:
0 months to 5 years: The silent sufferers
Infants and toddlers can’t verbalize their stress. Their world revolves around safety, consistency and connection. When that’s disrupted by caregiver stress, trauma, neglect, or medical issues, they respond through the body.
Signs to watch:
i. Infants (0–12 months):
a .Feeding difficulties
b. Excessive crying or very quiet/detached
c. Startle reflex or jitteriness
d. Trouble sleeping
e. Poor eye contact or lack of engagement
ii. Toddlers (1–3 years):
a. Delays in speech or motor milestones
b. Separation anxiety beyond typical age
c. Night terrors or frequent waking
d. Aggression or extreme clinginess
e. Self-soothing behaviors (rocking, head banging)
iii. Preschoolers (3–5 years):
a. Regression (thumb-sucking, bedwetting)
b. Play themes focused on violence, death, or fear
c. Difficulty focusing or following directions
d. Fear of certain people or places
e. Frequent physical complaints with no clear cause
Support strategies:
i. Keep routines predictable and gentle
ii. Offer physical comfort: cuddles, rocking, soft voices
iii. Play-based therapy and expression
iv. Minimize overstimulation
v. Be patient with regressions, they’re communication, not defiance
Preteens (6–12 years): The masked emotions
This age group starts to internalize feelings but still lacks mature coping skills. School, social groups, and increased expectations add stress. Trauma may show up more cognitively and behaviorally.
Signs to watch:
a. Difficulty concentrating or declining grades
b. Perfectionism or fear of failure
c. Frequent stomachaches, headaches, or “I don’t feel good” complaints
d. Withdrawing from friends or activities
e. Mood swings, irritability or crying spells
f. Overachievement or people-pleasing behaviors
g. Fear of being alone or hyper-dependence
Support strategies:
i. Encourage open conversations (“You can tell me anything, even if it feels bad.”)
ii. Normalize emotions: “It’s okay to feel sad or scared.”
iii. Use art, journaling, or storytelling to help express feelings
iv. Monitor screen time and sleep patterns
v. Consider therapy if symptoms persist
Adolescents (13–18 years): The turbulent years
Teenagers are navigating identity, hormones, relationships and independence, all while their brains are still developing. Trauma can look like “typical teen behavior,” but with key differences in intensity, consistency and risk.
Signs to watch:
a. Risky behaviors (substance use, unsafe sex, self-harm)
b. Sudden changes in friends, appearance or school performance
c. Frequent arguments or shutting down emotionally
d. Isolation or staying in bed for long periods
e. Defiance or withdrawal from family
f. Explosive anger or numbness
g. Eating issues, body image struggles
Support strategies:
i. Stay connected even if they push you away
ii. Avoid judgment or “fixing”, listen more than you talk
iii. Model emotional regulation yourself
iv. Create safe spaces for conversations
v. Professional mental health support is often essential here
What causes stress and trauma in children?
It’s not always “big” events. Trauma is subjective and can be caused by:
1.Divorce or separation
2.Moving frequently
3.Death of a loved one
4.Witnessing parental conflict or violence
5.Bullying or peer rejection
6.Chronic illness or hospitalization
7.Poverty, racism or social exclusion
Children don’t need chaos to be traumatized. They need safety to heal.
What you can do as a parent or caregiver
-Regulate yourself first: Children borrow nervous systems from adults. Your calm can become their calm.
-Get curious, not furious: Behavior is communication. Ask what’s behind it, not just how to stop it.
-Provide consistency: Predictability reduces fear and helps rebuild safety.
-Name emotions together: “You seem sad,” “You look overwhelmed,” gives kids emotional vocabulary.
-Reach out for help: Therapists, pediatricians, trauma-informed educators can be key allies.
In conclusion, stress and trauma in children don’t always scream. Sometimes, they whisper through tantrums, tummy aches, silence or sass. Your role isn’t to fix everything. It’s to see, validate and guide. Children don’t need perfection. They need presence. Early recognition and compassionate responses can rewire how a child sees themselves and the world for life.
